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It's a funny thing when you come to a realization that a man partially responsible for shaping your childhood could show up in your adulthood making softcore porn. More specifically, vampire and mummy pseudo-horror softcore porn. To be even more specific vampire and mummy psuedo-horror lesbian softcore porn. That man, for many of you keeping score, is Donald Glut. Donald Glut has worked on several things you're probably familiar with including X-men, Ducktales, Transformers, Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, and even some He-Man.
   After his short stint writing the Deadly Reunions(Editors Note: I owned a VHS of this!) episode for the animated Xmen series, where it's implied Sabretooth rapes Jubilee, Donald wrote and directed a movie called Dinosaur Valley Girls. It was a sex comedy that, oddly enough, also spawned a family friendly version. The next five years of Donald's life, are not listed on IMDB. I suspect this is directly related to his decision to make a drastic career change. Perhaps he struggled with his decision to leave Saturday morning cartoons for an audience less prepubescent. It's also possible he was preparing for his dramatic introduction into softcore.
   Whatever the case, Don's first movie after five years was called The Erotic Rites of Countess Dracula. Bizarre transition aside, he's written and directed a total of five erotic lesbian softcore pornos all of which involve vampires, mummies, or mummies and vampires. I happen to have been given the chance to review the sequel to his second erotic feature, The Mummy's Kiss, with The Mummy's Kiss 2nd Dynasty: the 5 Star Edition, whatever that means. I had already surmised that I would need no actual information to coherently view 2nd Dynasty, but while watching the opening the opening credits as they draped around twins with epic, and presumably fake, breasts, I felt guilty.
   Returning to the menu I watched the trailer, which did not strike my fancy but did garner a few chuckles. Restarting the feature, I fast-forwarded through the sisterly love and dove right into the deep-end. The water was initially cold, but you got used to it after a while.
   The story opens with a security guard, who doesn't seem to heed the "Do not touch" warnings, attempting to steal a mummy's precious mask. In obvious displeasure, the mummy comes to life and murders the guard, and his associate: the guard with the gun. Cut to what I can only assume is years, or at the very least hours, later; we join a museum opening in progress unveiling it's latest artifact, the murderous mummy. The museum opening introduces us to several characters including the Malicious Misogynist Man, the pair of Barbie Doll Lesbians, the Creepy Old Lesbian, the Weird Bug-Eating Man, the Sage Old Archeologist, and the News Reporter Who Always Gets What She Wants. I give none of them actual names because you won't remember their names either. Of these individuals, only the Weird Bug-Eating Man never reappears dashing my hopes that I could see some crazy bug-filled sex scene or a sex-filled bug scene.
   I can tell you that I have an incredible suspension of disbelief, but when I saw the Sage Old Archeologist open the sarcophagus and touch the decomposing corpse I was a little pissed. Everyone knows you can severely damage an artifact like that just by touching it. Your body has a natural oil that damages old script, mummies, and all sorts of other crazy things. I did however get a nice laugh out of the ironic point that he tells the News Reporter Who Always Gets What She Wants that people often get their facts wrong.
   After all that nonsense, we do finally get to watch some lesbian sex scenes that were promised. Did it deliver? Meh. It's not my thing, but I can tell you it all seemed very forced, as was the following scene where a character briefly lotions herself up in her kitchen, of all places. I will say that the ladies are all pretty much just Barbie Dolls pretending to be human in certain scenes, until they are hypnotized for your, or her, erotic pleasures. That said, I can also say that unlike in other softcore pornos, I wasn't disgusted to a point of revulsion. I hope we all know how important that is.
   Continuing our journey into absurdity, the Creepy Old Lesbian rejects the Malicious Misogynist Man, who then reminds her of the fleeting beauty she'll soon be without. Obviously unsettling to her, the Creepy Old Lesbian now ponders her mortality, explaining that the only thing she really desires is the love so impossible to attain at such an age. She realizes that you're more likely to be hit by lightning than to date after 35, or some other similar statistic I just made up. Instead of visiting a singles club or trying online dating, she decides a better way to find true love is to SUMMON A GROUP OF GODS TO MAKE A DEAL FOR ETERNAL YOUTH. Let that soak in a moment.
   As you should know by now, these things don't work out as planned.
   The Goddesses allow her to control the mummy and use an amulet to control lesbians like they were her puppets. Which they are. Technically. The mummy steals the girls, she hypnotizes them, rapes them, and finally steals their souls, or Kahs as they're referred to. Apparently, this gives her youth.
   It could be said that the reason she does this so many times, in a such a selfish manner, is that she's become so drunk with power that she loses her humanity. Power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely, and all that nonsense. The only thing allowing her to enslave and steal these souls slowly erodes her own spirit until she can only thrive on sociopath-like tendencies and, well, rape. She becomes a monster, neither god nor human whose morality is not bound by any standards or rules.
   Really though, I think they just needed an excuse to have her uncomfortably lick some naked girls a whole bunch.
   The last forty minutes play out almost exactly as expected, with few, if any twists.
   Did I like it? Wellllll... not really. However, I can't find fault in it for being what it is. This movie feels like a pretty safe softcore porn just going through the motions, but at least it tried. I really hope this is what Mr. Glut wants to be doing because it's obvious cartoons could use him right now. In a world of average softcore, he's just a little fish swimming against the current.
I'll give it a flat two stars. Nothing more, nothing less.
-Ryan not the hockey player Miller!
The Mummy’s Kiss: 2nd Dynasty can be purchased from Amazon and Frontline Films Official website.
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