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The Review
The only thing funnier than penises are plastic penises trying to achieve legitimacy.
I take it I have your attention now? Good, because the review that follows centers greatly around sexuality and it's impact on the film Sexy Battle Girls. Moreover, I'll be making fun of it.
I had no initial apprehensions in seeing a film from Pink Eiga called Sexy Battle Girls, especially after reading the stamp on the cover noting it was an official selection of The San Francisco Independent Film Festival, but my desire to view said film began to evaporate the longer I held it in my hands.
I'll elaborate. Often times I speak without thinking, thus when I was asked if I wanted to view a movie called Sexy Battle Girls, of course I agreed. It's natural. Who could say no to something that sounds too ridiculous to be true? That of course is only the initial spark where your imagination creates what you yourself consider to be sexy battle girls, and I might add, those results can be quite pleasing.
There is always an enormous but to accompany these sort of fantasies, mainly that they are and will forever remain just that. Consequently, when I received the copy of the film, wishing it would come in a small brown paper bag, I starred at the cover and gazed at the creepy schoolgirl eyeballing me in front of what looked like my screensaver and no longer had the sense of urgency for a viewing. In fact, the cover practically haunted me, catching everyone of my fleeting glances; I almost expected the DVD to start screaming at me, outing me as the pervert who watches this sort of thing all the time.
A few days went by and I finally managed to prop, or plop if you'd prefer, myself in front of the flatscreen, but only after closing the curtains, locking the doors, and removing the photos of my parents from the room. When I confirmed I was alone, I pressed play.
The film begins with an awkward love scene between our main character, Mirai Asamiya, and her would-be lover. Being a very important scene, it sets the precedent for every other sex scene, allowing me to breathe a sigh of relief noting that this wasn't actually a hardcore film, but a softcore pornographic movie, more commonly known as erotica. Thank goodness for that, I'm not sure I could stomach an hour of awkward penetration and money-shots, especially with a such a premise.
Oh yeah. You're probably wondering: "Just what is the premise, Ryan?", or something to that effect. To dumb it down, Mirai Asamiya has a crazy vagina strong enough to cut an apple into four equal parts and she needs to use it to avenge her father's pride by raping the headmaster at a private school. You can't make this shit up.
...and we rejoin our copulating couple who're all about the "I love yous", when all of a sudden she breaks his penis with her vagina. Upon hearing the howls of pain, her father rushes in to proclaim "Fool! You just don't understand how dangerous your vagina is!" before shoving an apple into his daughter's vagina. It looked like a red delicious , for those in need of obsessive detail.
I had to pause the film. It was important that I be able to take a breather after such a shock. I had no idea the film would take that kind of direction into lunacy. I figured the weirdest of the weird was over. And yet, the film still surprised and shocked me in its absurdity.
Asamiya is then transferred to a private school for girls. Since this school only seems to have two other students, I suspect it is extremely private. The first girl she meets is the self-proclaimed school bully who throws pens like she's Colin Farrel for no real reason. Then she has sex with a detective for money.
This scene's importance comes directly from the problem I had not vomiting all over my living room whilst watching the spectacle of creepoid treat her vagina like he's six years old and getting his first snow cone. But it's during this scene it becomes clear that the camera operator is clever indeed. The framing of his shots are pretty fantastic, especially how he dynamically avoids showcasing our temptress's private parts in a room surrounded by mirrors. Throughout the majority of the rest of Sexy Battle Girls, I began to take note of the camera work and was very impressed, which made the film slightly more watchable, especially since I got to view it in glorious 16x9 widescreen.
The film boasts that it has seven sex scenes over the course of 59 minutes, and while it's true that none of them are actually sexy, they can be pretty funny. Like bad funny. Japanese censorship laws prevent exposure of the genitals to be shown on film, which could possibly be why Japan produces some weird porn. Goo porn? Squeeze fetish? Futanari? Tentacle rape? Sadly, the list could go on, but thankfully the internet hadn't been as available for those degenerates to influence this movie. So, the production company improvised using some hilarious fake penises. And holy shit were they hilarious.
If you're looking for action and, er...battle, you might want to look elsewhere. The film has little to satisfy the action lover, and the action it does have is pretty cheesed up; after all, the main character does carry a ball-and-chain with a dildo attached.
An actual interesting piece of information about this film is that it's a parody. The original was an anime about a battle cop/schoolgirl or some nonsense that the creator's decided would be better with sex. Having never seen the original, I cannot report whether this claim is justified.
Overall...I guess I liked it. Not enough to take it seriously, of course. I'm semi-pleased with the fact that I even got to watch it, but would in no way ever desire to return to this film. It was so bad it was funny, but it still was gross enough to make me gag. And that's not so bad...right?
I give it a 2.5 of 5, because I will always fondly remember this movie, even if I'd rather forget it most of it.
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