The Film: 1/5

     I predatori delle Antille. That’s the real name of this latest blatant attempt by distributor One 7 Movies to unload another hunk of boring wannabe exploitation on the unsuspecting consumers, right down to altering the year the movie was released on the back of the DVD case. The year listed is 1980 but in actuality it was released nearly twenty years later. Maybe the reason for that little convenient revision is to fool prospective buyers into thinking they’re getting their grubby mitts on a prime piece of vintage Italian sexploitation. Plus the director of this sordid opus is none other than Joe D’Amato. You’d probably know him best as the man behind such “classic” Pastaland chunk blowers as Anthropophagus: The Beast, Buio Omega, and…um…Porno Holocaust. But some of you might look at D’Amato’s name attached to a movie slovenly retitled Sexy Pirates, a movie top-lined by a bonafide star of hardcore porn (Anita Rinaldi) no less, and considering that the man has also made some decent erotic features as well (not to mention some triple X as well) you would expect a lusty romp loaded with juicy violence and lots of naked ladies engorged in sweaty, simulated sex scenes. I certainly did, and it often goes with One 7’s releases I got the rug pulled out from under me big time. Both my ass and my pride still hurt.

     The plot follows the wife (Rinaldi) of one of King Charles II’s ambassadors as she fights to rescue her husband (Menyhert Dutombe) after he’s kidnapped by a band of pirates led by the vicious George Rackman (Henrik Pauer) while en route to Jamaica to sign a peace accord. Lots of walking around, standing around, and long and drawn-out conversations in  17th century costumes ensue with the occasional brief action sequence and nude scene. Correct me if I’m wrong but if your movie about piracy that just happens to star a hardcore porn actress has only a few action set pieces that take up about as much time as a Windex commercial during the Final Four and the fleeting sexual content is alluded to and never shown, then you my friend have screwed the pooch. Watching Sexy Pirates is like seeing the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie shorn of all its action scenes and with the addition of a pair of naked female asses showing up at the beginning and the end, only much more boring and insipid. At least the sets and costumes strive to look period-appropriate, as least as much as the limited budget will allow. Shame to see so much good production work go to waste. None of the actors stand out but Anita Rinaldi makes for pretty good eye candy, all flowing hair and heaving bosom. You can tell from the first frame that D’Amato (who directed this movie under the name David Hills) was on his last legs making this affair. This would be one of his last directorial efforts (one of his last eleven to be exact-D’Amato sure enjoyed his work) as the great man died on January 23, 1999. It was one of the few movies he made towards the end of his life that didn’t involve an inordinate amount of deep dicking, and it’s one of his least. Where’s George Eastman and Laura Gemser when you need them?

Audio/Video: 2/5

      Another unspectacular 1.33:1 full frame transfer from One 7’s Department of Who Gives a Shit. The picture is grainy but it ultimately doesn’t distract from the movie since nothing really happens on screen to test your home theater system. Plus the whole movie is shot like the pilot for a syndicated TV series so the full frame works in its favor. A serviceable Italian Dolby Digital 2.0 mono soundtrack does much better. English subtitles are provided (Wait, no dubbing? What the hell kinda exploitation flick is this?!).

Extras: 0/5

      Not a goddamn thing. D’Amato isn’t alive to do a commentary or interview, but even if he was I’m sure he’d want to spend his talking about something more interesting, like the weather. Or a riveting story about how a bird took a dump on his car that morning.

Overall: 1/5

      Don’t waste your time with Sexy Pirates. There’s little piracy and very little sex. You’d be better off reading the latest issue of Penthouse while watching Cutthroat Island.